| I weight a billion pounds! |
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| 12:04pm 02/01/2007 |
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mood:  frustrated
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so, i weight, like, 900 pounds right now, I swear to god.. and the baby only weights 6 lbs! Maybe 6.5 at the most!
I can only hope that what they say about weight loss by breastfeeding is true... you hear all these stories of women who lose,
like, 20 lbs in a week.
by the time i get to california at easter, i need to be, at least, back to my highschool weight. it's amazing how i spent
most of highschool hating how i looked, and now i look back and would pay quite a bit of money to look the way i did then!
i hope the baby will be born a week from friday, if not sooner.. that'll be between 38 and 39 weeks, and i think they will induce at that point.
*sigh* |
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| well then.. |
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| 12:02am 09/10/2005 |
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mood:  rejuvenated
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not sure what this is going to be about.. i think i'm more of typing fqor the hell of it. ignorae the random letters.. dan'sw being a butthead... lol,e he's making faces b/c i called him a butthead.. betcha haven't heard that since 9th grade.
today was weird.. started off sucking.. i'm not sure how it's ending up.. might end up being a good day, go figure that. dan's making fun of how i type.. he's moving his hands all around. not that duan being weird is yhnot normal.. i t's weird b/c we're at my parents house.. lol.. ;-)
poor dan. i torture that boy way to much. war of the worlds tonight ( not the movie... the radio broadcast.. .booorrrinnnnggggg) piano lessons and dinner tomorrow.. he deserves a medal or something for enduring this. if he keeps demanding backrubs, i won't have to pay him back.
well, this is pointless.. i'm starving. i bought new jeans and dan didn't notice them. they're so cute.. they have little sparkels on them. he did notice the new earrings last weekend.. the very second he saw them on. i'm goingto end this b/c dan's impatient and silly 2nite. |
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| betrayal....... |
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| 06:18pm 21/09/2005 |
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mood:  lonely
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nothing hurts so bad as having the person you are supposed to be able to trust with everything.. the person that you have fought for and stood up with and been there for.. the person who claimed to love you no matter what.. there is nothing as painful as having that trust betrayed.
there are some forms of pain a guy can never cause.. they come, they go.. those of us lucky enough find one that comes to stay.. but nevertheless.. no man can hurt you like a girlfriend can.. no guy can ever take everything you believed and held sacred and shatter the very essence of what you believe and who you are.
and over things so petty... over things like popularity, confidence, men... all these things come, they go.. maybe they stay... but there is no love so deep as a girlfriend's love..
how am i supposed to react when someone i thought i could trust completely betrays everything i've held sacred over something petty? how am i supposed to face her? how am i supposed to talk to her? i can't.. i am at a loss for words...
it hurts.. maybe it would have been better if i didn't know? damn honesty.. damn that futile sense that convinces so many of us to tell things, ever so painful, to those who, although the knowledge may better them, nonetheless are forced to suffer in it's wake.
i have everything i've wanted in my life.. a man i love more than life itself.. who loves me back. a great job.. school is, for once, going well... my family and i are talking again...
but nonetheless i find myself, for once, so totally and completely alone. |
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| *sigh* |
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| 03:56pm 31/08/2005 |
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okay, so i'm not sure what's up with any of my friends.
it's actually kind of annoying. i get a boy, try my damndest to
keep in touch, and all of a sudden they don't exist! how annoying is that?
you hear about girls that stop calling and only wanna be with that guy...
i'm working so hard not to be like that, but if no one calls me back, I'm
going to have to be that way!! It's really annoying me..
*sigh* their loss. |
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| a non-freaking out journal update... lol |
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| 08:30am 22/08/2005 |
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life is... life. not bad, not great. just pretty much sittin' in neutral, revvin' the engine. lol.
classes today. sux!!
work is alright.. exhausting, but otherwise good. |
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| arghh |
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| 02:39pm 16/08/2005 |
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i realized that i need to start updating this thing at times other than when i'm freaking out.. yah.. that'd be good.
but, for the moment, more freaking out with meg.. common, you know you missed it.. lol..
so, i am supposed to be sending "him" some stuff for his drive out here.. stuff i love more than life itself.. stuff i want back very badly. stuff that, honestly, i am not sure he's ever going to return.
i got this random email from someone named, "Noone At All" that said he was out last night with another girl. so now i'm not sure whether to send him this stuff or not. and the thing is, he's not answering his phone. or returning my calls. granted, it's only 11:30 am over there.. which makes it a little more forgivable.
but i'm still freaking out about it.. and i have to send this stuff, in, like, an hour.. or else it won't get there... ahhrrrgghh...
frusteration.
screw it, i'm going to lunch. |
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| alcohol!! |
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| 12:32pm 16/08/2005 |
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Bacardi 151
Congratulations! You're 134 proof, with specific scores in beer (100) , wine (100), and liquor (86). |
| All right. No more messing around. Your knowledge of alcohol is so high that you have drinking and getting plastered down to a science. Sure, you could get wasted drinking beer, but who needs all those trips to the bathroom? You head straight for the bar and pick up that which is most efficient. |
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My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
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You scored higher than 79% on proof |
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You scored higher than 93% on beer index |
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You scored higher than 88% on wine index |
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You scored higher than 89% on liquor index |
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| too much drama.. |
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| 09:05am 15/08/2005 |
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mood: discontent
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god, life has way too much drama.. why can't i just curl up in front of a good tv show and forget that anyone else even exists? i don't care anymore.. just leave me alone and let me be!
she still loves him.. she always will be there, in the back of his mind.. she'll always be around.. wanting him, trying to get him. she told him off, she told him to go away. and he did. and i got him back. but now she wants to take him again. i guess if he's going to leave me for her, better now than in 20 years, right? i mean, i'll get over with what i can right now.
school and family are crazy.. i feel like an outsider, looking in. they are simply "dealing" with me. "don't upset her.. don't make her think.. just let everything stay status quo. no emotion." it drives me crazy. i'm a very emotional person.. all this coldness is going to be the death of me! i can't cope!!
i'm exhausted, all the time.. mostly because i don't sleep anymore.. it's been nights and nights of restlessness lately. just tossing and turning.. thinking about him, about her.. about the whole of my life which has become encompassed by stress. i want to finish school and lawschool and just leave.. somewhere, anywhere.. i want to be away from all the crap that has become my life here. just a few years.. then i can leave. just a little while.. then i can go. not too much longer now. not too much further now. i'm almost done here.
so much crap.. so much shit. so much i can't deal with.
his radiator cracked.. that's a lot of freaking money that he doesn't have. if he doesn't come, i'm stuck with a lease I really really can't afford. (his lease, lol..) i don't know what to do. i don't know how to fix this. i really can't fix it, i guess. i can hope that it's something small. i can hope he gets it fixed. he keeps telling me not to worry. he keeps telling me not to stress. he keeps saying, "sweetie, i'll be there.. we'll make it work because i love you."
Oh, the "l" word is new for us, btw. i don't know if he threw it out there because it's real or because i needed to hear it. we were fighting.. about 'her' of course.. and he said, 'you know i love you, right?' lol, i said no.
we find out today about his car.. if it's under $400.00 to fix, we're going to be good. if it's more.. lol.. we're in a little bit of trouble. actually, a lotta-bit of trouble.
*sigh*
i gotta go check on my books i ordered. no fun. school starts in a week. blah. at least my classes are easy and i'm actually kinda excited about them. that's good. |
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| scared tears... |
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| 09:28am 12/08/2005 |
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mood: lonely
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oh, god.. i can't stop crying and i have to get to work. (well, i'm at work, but i have to start working at work, ya know?) my hands are shaking, i'm sweating and freezing at the same time.. if this is what having a heart attack is like, i'm definatly giving up red meat and fatty foods.
i don't know what to do.. i don't know where to start talking or not taking. part of me just prays that today will end so i can go back to my room and lock myself in, refusing to talk to anyone. i don't know... i don't know what to do.
why can't things just fucking work out in my life? why do they have to fucking come so damn close, only to be ripped away by things beyond my every reasonable attempt at control?
it's not even his fault, and it'd make me feel a whole lot better. it's just frusterating.. i decided to trust him.. i decided that he could be telling the truth this time.. i decided to risk it, all over again.
i needed another week and a half before it was all going to be okay.. if he had made it here, i know it would have worked.. it would have been good. not perfect, of course... but we could have made it work.
a week and a half... so short, but so long at the same time.
now, it's over.. well, at least, i think it's over. i really can't tell. she loves him... still. she wants him back.. again. and he traded me for her once. what in god's name is going to keep him from doing it again?
i know he told me he wasn't going to... but let's be honest. if he still cares about her at all and has a chance with her.. why is he going to move out here to be with me? it's like my heart is being ripped out of my chest all over again.
i knew i was getting attached.. and it was fucking last night that i decided to let go and trust that it was going to be okay. less than 5 hours later, he calls to tell me that he called her.
i don't know what to do.. i don't know what to say. i want my time back.. my money back. my heart back..
god, i'm not going to beg him to stay. i want him to be happy and if she's going to be able to do that for him, than so be it.
but that doesn't stop the tears... |
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| tired of fighting... |
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| 09:11am 10/08/2005 |
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mood: crushed
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it feels like everything in my life is a fight right now.. ya know how some people's lives seem to go so nicely along, and when they get "stuck" it's only for a matter of moments? my life is about the total opposite of that.. everything important right now is nothing but a huge, horrible fight... school is a pain in the ass.. i have over a 3.0 and scholarships to lawschool, but i can't seem to find somewhere that will let me finish my undergraduate work! my job is horrible.. it's exhausting, demanding and i'm just not perfect enough to deal with it all the time. my love life is a horrible rollarcoaster ride.. we get into a fight with him demanding to let me call him to take care of something, then he doesn't bother to call... i don't know if we're together, not together.. right now i don't even know if i'm ever going to hear from him again. and this is the man i'm supposed to be trusting, not only with my heart but with my very wellbeing. he's supposed to be my everything. my living situation.. well, if i never hear from him again i'm stuck with his apartment which i can't afford on my own... not making the payments is not an option because i can't let my credit raiting drop any lower or i can't get into lawschool.
why am i stuck fighting against all this? i don't know if i can even keep going at this point.. i wake up in the morning waiting for the time i can go back to bed at night. i'm tired of fighting.. i'm tired of crying.. i'm just tired of it all.
i know that i'm stronger than most people for this.. and that's just about the only silver lining i can find.
i don't know what to do.. at the very least, i guess i need to find someone new to share that damn apartment with.. otherwise, i'm pretty much screwed... |
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| some girls always get what you want..... |
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| 03:52pm 08/08/2005 |
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mood:  pensive
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I want to find a guy...
*who calls me beautiful instead of hot
*who will stay awake just to watch me sleep
*the boy who kisses my forehead
*who holds my hand in front of his friends
*who thinks I'm just as pretty without makeup on
*the one who is constantly reminding me of how much he cares about me and how lucky he is to be with me
*I want the one who turns to his friends and says, "...that's her"~
impossible? maybe.. unlikely? definatly. is dan that? possibly. is it good? I don't know.
confused? yes and no.
i'm resigned to let come what may. i know i'm going to give dan a second chance... i don't have much of a choice anymore. i mean, i could choose no, but this is something i have to play out.. i need to see where it goes. the question that remains is how and if i can guard my heart while being in a relationship. i don't know how to, and i don't know if it is even possible.
i mean, objectivly, he followed through with his half of the deal! he did what he said he was going to do.... more than i expected. i didn't push this, beg for it, etc. the details i took care of. the relationship worked well... i did the research, the planning.. and he was the action man. i like the way it worked.
he's being open.. even when he's not drinking. it's scary, how open he was the other night without alcohol. of course, it will never be discussed in the light, at least.. not for a while. partly because i don't want to push him or scare him.. partly because he's right- it'd be getting ahead of ourselves. that's a temptation i have to fight... getting way too ahead of myself. right now, i have things i need to focus on.
when did he become correct? when did he become logical? when did i become the one who needed HIS help instead of the other way around? he's done alot.. objectivly, he's done more than me. he has given up more than me... and he's going to keep giving up more than me. |
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| exhaustion is setting in.... |
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| 02:12pm 04/08/2005 |
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mood:  exhausted
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and, yet, there is, now as always, no escape from it. honestly, it will probably get worse and worse. i need the money to be made from being at work, and, honestly, probably getting a second job. i need to go to spc to get in good standing to get into usf. i need to get into usf to get my degree and go to lawschool. just a bunch of stuff i have to do.
i'm not sure when fun took a backseat to life... i mean, i have fun, don't get me wrong. i have friends, people i spend time with, etc. but it seems like most of the people i know are either bored or spend their time doing.. fun things... i don't know. i'd trade quite a bit of my life for a few moments of boredom right now.
work is going to pick up like crazy next week... i'll be alone till september, which means 8-7 almost every day.. at least i have weekends off to sleep, right? i love my job, i really do..... i'd just like to be more awake and able to focus at it.
mom is getting ready to leave.. she's stressing out, hardcore. i wish i could do more, but there's really not so much anyone can do. we're all trying our best... but that's not really good enough.
well, i haven't eaten and it's almost 230, so i should go feed myself.. lol..
<3
Meg |
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| oh, god... |
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| 03:41pm 24/06/2005 |
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mood:  nauseated
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i'm so stupid... way too trusting...
i lost my heart to an asshole who didn't
want it once.... why the hell did i agree
to give it a second chance?
he doesn't love me... he admitted that.
he claims to care, but has no idea what
caring is about.....
i'm hurt...
no one understands because i can't tell anyone
the truth.
what binds me to him is a secret i can trust
no one else with...... which means i kind of
need him... at least, for the moment....
but i don't want to need him. hell, i don't
even want to want him. i was content with
being alone before he came into my life..
i wanted my space and my time. now, it
feels like my life is...... almost.......
missing something without him.
stupid, stupid, stupid.
people don't change... there is no such
thing as love, or fate... it's all a bunch of
stupid lies we tell ourselves and each other to
ease the pain of reality.
god, i can't do this alone...... and the one
person that could help me doesn't care.
how do i ask for help from someone who doesn't
want me in their life? how do i tell someone
i need them when it's going to push them so far
away that i'll lose them totally?
is it worth just waiting out to get my heart
broken again?
god.... it all hurts.... and i need him.....
but i hate that..... |
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| Thoughts...... |
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| 02:57pm 24/06/2005 |
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a million things i can't express running through my head...
trying to ignore everything, focus on right now and what
i need to do.
am i an idiot? |
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| been a while... |
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| 09:41pm 11/01/2005 |
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mood:  scared
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since i updated this thing. lots have changed.
pat and i aren't speaking (shocking)... i've tried, like, a bazallion times
to be friendly, and he wants nothing to do with me.
dating a guy named dan. he's okay, but doesn't call or email. might dump
him tonight, not sure... would suck for him, as he just bought plane tickets to
come and see me, but that's the way life works.
took my lsats. kicked butt.
:-D
Megan |
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| I'm alive... |
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| 08:33pm 07/10/2004 |
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mood: exhausted
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I'm alive.... for better or worse..
busy....
too busy to update...
call me, or email me for an actual update on my life...
meg |
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| Packin' up and stuff... |
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| 10:36am 28/08/2004 |
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mood: sleepy
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hey....
my stuff is (mostly) all packed... my goddaugher, emily, and i went to the flea market this morning, where she picked out the suitcase I bought (good because it made her feel important, and because it is bright blue with turtles on it, so it's pretty distinctive). :-D Excellent.
she is watching cartoons with my youngest brother, anthony, right now, while i'm packing and hunting and updating and stuff... :-P
mom and i went shopping yesterday, i got new jeans and some new shirts... and jewlery. it did the trick... yesterday night i met a few of my girls (amy and mer! rock on, hotties!!) and some other ppl. (john, grant, cam, his girl, ryan, anthony, rachael, mary, luke, and john)went to steak 'n' shake, then out to eat... i got the waiter's phone number (name's nick... he has great teeth!! that's what i told him... so he gave me his number... rock on, hottie nick with the good teeth!). not gonna get to call, but it's still nice to be told that i rock. :-P
uhmm.... not to much else goin' on... finding my movies all around the house... mom steals them all the time. esp. princess diaries. i should let her keep it, but i won't. maybe after christmas she can have it. :-D
i'm gonna go, keep doing stuff.
update again tomorrow or monday-ish. |
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| Life, love, and other not-so-mysterious stuff... |
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| 07:46pm 25/08/2004 |
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mood:  cheerful
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It's been a while since I've posted, I've been pretty busy and trying to catch up on sleep, so as to NOT be exhausted at the beginning of next semster. (not that I'm planning to be so busy that I run outta time to sleep, but it's good to be prepared.)
Classes start on Tuesday the 31st, which is kinda scaring me.
Uhhmmm... went paintballing, didn't get killed, didn't even get maimed... it was good times. :-D loved it.
Not much else going on with me. Danni's going to call me l8r, might go out with el, also. We shall see...
My laptop is not working (again)...
Going to go now. bye |
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| *sigh* |
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| 03:54pm 20/08/2004 |
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mood: nervous
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So, i went to marco island... all in all, not a bad trip. boring (kinda), a bit strange to be with my friend's family (just strange, ya know), and somewhat stiffiling (i need more ME time than i got). but it was good... we went out on the boat, i tried lemon drops for the first time (vodka and lemonade), etc. etc. etc. however, the problem came in when i was on my way home... in freakin' northport (middle of nowhere florida, where even mcdonalds closes at 8 PM), my car started smoking.... even i know that is not a great sign!! it wouldn't start again, either, so i just had to call the towtruck. would have been fine, except i called my dad to ask him where he wanted me to tow it (as he was going to foot the bill)... and he said, "well, i get off of work in a while, i'm going to go home then and research it... call you in an hour." okay, i am sitting on the side of the interstate in the middle of nowhere and he wants to go RESEARCH??!?!!!??!? okay, so, after 3 hours i got to the auto shop, had someone pick me up there, got home, etc. (kinda anticlimatic, huh?)
b. is coming down tonight.... i'm nervous. |
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| so... |
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| 10:16am 15/08/2004 |
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mood: anxious
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watched the Olympics last night... determined, once again, that Speedos should be outlawed (not modesty issues, it's just gross).
leaving for Marco Island tonight.. good good good times. my friend serena is there, woo-hoo. we're going to chill till i gotta come home on wednesday.
b. is coming to see me on friday.. i'm scared. :-( but i'm sure it'll be fine.
tired.. my mom just got home and is bleeding.. going to go check on her...
love and all that jazz... |
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meg0114's journal
